Coming into college after the Covid-19 pandemic permanently altered my teenage experience, I felt disconnected from the world. Not in a cynical, dissociative manner, more as in my social skills definitely did not properly form due to the regression caused by months locked away in my room. I felt majorly alone my senior year of high school as most of my friends were older and graduated the year prior, and the same feeling settled in as I was the only one in my immediate circle going to college. Attending freshman orientation felt off to me.

I got my first job at eighteen years old right after graduating, unlike the standard expectation of sixteen. I also didn’t know how to drive and admittedly still kind of don’t. So with my perspective, I felt so behind compared to every single one of my peers. In orientation, I saw people already making connections whilst I watched from a far, wanting to seem not overly eager. I’ve always considered myself an introvert but it was at this very moment where I felt that because of my tendency to close myself off from new people and relationships, that I was at a major disadvantage socially and now definitely academically.

Carrying into my first classes, I felt as if my knowledge and skills were stuck at that high school level understandably. However, when it came to eventually interacting with others, I felt the gap widen between my and everyone else. 

I felt embarrassed to say what town I came from due to the label of “ghetto” being thrown around. I felt the effects of my school not receiving the same amount of funding and opportunities compared to other places where my peers came from. During small talk my peers would talk about their achievements in work or school and even in life with traveling or relationships. I would just stare at them back, trying to find common ground whilst not trying to sound like a thirteen year old.

 When it came to the curriculum and school work I managed to hold my own. School just didn’t feel as hard as people made it out to be. Every assignment I felt like I did what I could and if my best wasn’t up to par, whatever. After all I had only one focus and that was art. So what if I felt completely unequipped whilst my peers were already drafting in depth research papers with lofty and enigmatic language. I had something that proved my worth and reasoning for being here.

With the way UW is structured, I quickly blew through the limited opportunities for classes in fine arts, especially illustrative work. Moving away from traditional modes of education like STEM fields and writing courses I felt myself being to breathe in the art spaces I felt the most natural with however just because the area was familiar to me doesn’t mean it was my home. I work with digital illustration primarily. I’ve been doing it for almost a decade but I’ve barely had any chances to test out my skills and improve them in a traditional academic environment.

Almost everything on my portfolio website is digital and 80% of that is personal work I took the time out of my own free time to make. In my personal pieces there’s a spark and a feeling of passion compared to the ones I made for classes, ones I made for a grade. Going through schooling, pretending that everything will be 100% useful to me in cultivating the best version of myself, definitely was a lie. All of my written statements are just a testament to how I survived in an environment not suited best for my potential whilst also feeling like the odd one out. They are justifications on if my education was really worth it, to both me and future employers. 

Just because I spent my time expanding my skill set instead of sharpening the ones I already had doesn’t mean it was all for naught though. With my physical media works I eventually came to an epiphany after my mask project. I truly do love anything to do with art and I severely undervalued my k-12 opportunities to work with art in the way I used to be able to with the sheer amount of supplies and freedom I had. Class after class of media production, learning things I never thought I’d ever get to try or be interested in the first place, I understood the value my education was bringing me through opportunities to grow. 

Going into graduation I can’t say I feel confident. Hell, I’m so scared. That funny feeling of comparison I felt coming into college is coming back in full force. With AI constantly being pushed down my throat and layoffs happening in every single potential career path I considered since I was thirteen the ground feels shakier than ever. Although now I am confident in my own abilities and self worth I am afraid of the foundation underneath my feet breaking as soon as I try to make any steps forward. I know I’ll be okay, I know that everything will work out, and I am still so, so afraid.